Saturday, December 26, 2015

Hashtag Blessed

There have been so many Christmases I've battled to get through.  So many Christmas Eve Masses I've sat wondering what I was even doing there, why I was still trying to believe, celebrating a salvation I felt I couldn't possibly be included in.  Crying on the way home in the car.  Dreading having to see friends and relatives, make eye contact, talk to them, pretend.  Begging God to work a miracle for me, raging at Him when no miracle came.

This year wasn't like that.  Yes, I was anxious.  Tired.  Periodically cranky and impatient.

I was also full of joy and peace, those Christmas cliches.

Cliches are so not-cliche when you find them real suddenly.

And miracles, miracles are slow, I find.  Comprised of tens of thousands of hours of sleep, dabs of toothpaste, meals eaten when you'd rather throw up, appointments kept in sweat-stained pajamas, and small white pills faithfully swallowed.

Hundreds of thousands of prayers.

Depression is not gone.  It's in my cells, my physical makeup, right there with my nose and hair and nice ankles and adult acne.  I have to do a hundred things a day to keep anxiety at bay: pray, eat, rest, breathe, take pills, pray.

But there is also joy.  There is peace.  I get to make some of my own decisions these days, and finding I am able to choose to pursue joy and peace, even on the hard days, instead of being wholly subject to the whims of my brain chemistry, is an incredible gift.

What I'm trying to say here is that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't just a mirage any more.

I want to thank those of you who have prayed for me these last six years, since my 2009 breakdown.  And those who've supported me in other ways: emotionally, spiritually, financially, by watching Doctor Who with me and taking me on hiking trips and making me write and acting with me and hugging me and fasting.  You know who you are, I hope.

I love you.  Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Not Meryl

Here's the thing: I'm not going to be Meryl Streep.

Or Tatiana Maslany.  Or Idina Menzel.  The woman who gets to act for thousands of people, to connect with thousands of people and make them see something wonderful.  I'm never going to be her.

I'm never going to be the world-renowned classicist, either.  You know, the one everybody defers to on the matter of Greek accent marks and their effects on pronunciation.  Not happening.

I'm not going to be the amazing musician, the famous blogger, or the eminent novelist.

I'm not going to be that super holy lady whom everyone goes to for advice and asks to be their kids' godmother.  

I'm not going to be the housewife who makes her own soap and bone broth and fresh bread on Saturdays.  

I'm not going to be an Etsy sensation.

I'm not going to be a great apologist or theologian.  

In all honesty, I'm probably going to keep being what I am: the uptight, holier-than-thou, antisocial grammar nazi with dirty hair and a smattering of education, who stays up all night and can't pay off her student loans.  Who loves her life and also occasionally, paradoxically hates it at the same time.  Whose eyes are always bigger than her ability to cope.  

Who adamantly refuses to believe that there isn't some bigger design and purpose guiding her life, even when it doesn't make sense.

Here's to Not Meryl Streep.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Silk And Purple

I used to say I hated makeup.

It was not strictly true.

I hate feeling like I'm wearing a second, artificial face on top of my real face.  I hate feeling like I have no choice in the matter--like I am only beautiful when I am made up, like I am not good enough without it.  And I hate walking down the street and seeing six different young women and girls with the same face, all carefully powdered and daubed to fit the narrow stricture of what is beautiful this month.

I don't like the notion that anyone has to change who they are or fit a fictional standard in order to be acceptable.


I like being able to cover up my PMS breakouts with mineral foundation, if I feel like it.  I like being able to pull off a subtle smoky eye and feel subtly edgy and mysterious and feminine.  I like merlot lipstick, plum mascara, lavender liner.  I like that there are so many different words for the color purple, and that I can wear them on my face.  I can even wear them all at once, if I want to.

My point is this: eighteen-year-old, non-makeup-wearing Clare had excellent reasons for choosing not to wear makeup.  Twenty-eight-year-old, makeup-wearing Clare has excellent reasons for choosing to wear it.  And thirty-eight-year-old Clare may (and I hope will) have new, different, equally excellent reasons for choosing to wear it, or to not wear it, or perhaps even for preferring teal or magenta to the visual perfection that is purple.

And here's the secret: none of these reasons have to contradict each other.  I don't have to throw out eighteen's reasons any more than I have to imagine thirty-eight's.  Purple and teal can be beautiful side by side.

I am a moral absolutist.  I believe in moral absolutes.

I also believe in a tremendous amount of grey area between and around the moral absolutes.

For instance, I believe that if the universe and everything in it was made by a loving creator--by Truth, Goodness and Beauty in the form of a Person--then everything in that universe must be on some level good, true and beautiful.

Including my face.

I also believe that if, on any given day, wearing purple mascara helps me be the best possible version of myself, then I should wear purple mascara.

When I believe that I am beautiful with or without makeup, then I am free to choose my makeup-wearing habits based on what will make my little life the best, brightest, and truest act it can be.

When I believe that I am loved, entirely and unendingly, regardless of anything I am or anything I have done or not done or will ever do, then I am free to--


To do anything.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

What We Do

Sometime in every twenty-four hours, there is a morning.

Every morning, I take out my phone, open the little app that makes lists, and review my list of things to do for the day.  The first item on it is to review my list, so I tick that off right away.

Sometimes, for me, this doesn't happen until three o' clock because I'm not able to get up until then.  Sometimes when it happens I haven't been able to sleep at all, so it is not so much a new day for me as an acknowledgement that the previous day is over and anything not yet ticked off from its list is going to have to roll over to today's.

Sometimes I just use yesterday's list and change the date at the top to today.  My app lets me do that.

Regardless of how happy or productive or responsible or well I have been--regardless of my own messed-up internal clock--the changing of the light and the clock on my phone and the number of people awake in my world force me to accept that it is today.  I have to clean my slate and start over, because I am a person and that is what people do.

The same thing happens at the beginning of a new week, year, school year, month, and so on.  There are all these little starting points built into the fabric of humanity, and it doesn't really matter which were put there by us or God.  They are there, and they are supposed to be there, because...

Well, here's a thought experiment: imagine if there weren't any starting points.  If the world was like the inside of an airport or hospital or twenty-four-hour department store, where the day never ends and hours don't count.  (I won't say a cave because I have a feeling that hours do count in the darkness.)  If the failures and mistakes and disappointments and sins never got wiped clean, but just accumulated, till the very weight of them was heavier and more unbearable than the glare of fluorescent lights, and the list got so long you could never hope to tick everything off.  Imagine that hell.

But instead we have mornings, natural, created or fabricated.  The lights come on, people wake up, and you brush your teeth and put on pants and some mascara because hey, it's a new day, a new list, and you get to start over, because you are a person, and that is what people do.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Keep Calm

Here's a recipe for an interesting night:

1) Insomnia;

2) Forget to take meds;

3) ...yeah, that's pretty much all it takes.

Optional: give moral scrupulosity free rein; replay creepiest scenes from The Empty Child on a loop inside your head; start hallucinating just a bit around the corners of your vision so you can't quite be totally sure it really is missed-meds-induced hallucination and not that frelling kid in the gas mask finally coming to destroy you.

Fear.  The racing heart, the tensed muscles, the asthmatic sense of impending suffocation.  It's so irrational, so purposeless and senseless.  Something happens that makes your brain decide, usually unnecessarily, that death or physical injury of some kind is imminent; your brain sends the message on to your body, which enthusiastically agrees; and you're left to try and pick up the pieces, to wrestle your lungs and heart and nerves back like so many energetic dragons on a leash, till they quiet enough to be controlled, to lay off with the fire and smoke show, and to send their new message back to the brain: it's all right, you're not dying this time.

Sometimes it's a breathing exercise that focuses my body and calms me down.  Sometimes it's a song--The Last Rose of Summer is like a lifeline to me.  Sometimes a tuna sandwich is enough, or an episode of Farscape, or a hug from someone I love.  Sometimes it's prayer.

Often it takes (prescribed, legitimate) drugs to get past the hurricane in my head, and I am not ashamed of my reliance on them.

Fear is, quite literally, the scariest thing out there.

And the way I see it, if you live with fear--if you have to rein in the dragons five or six or twenty times a day because they're that headstrong, and huge, and hyperactive; if your good days are the days when you sit on the doorstep of terror rather than in its claustrophobic living room; and if you don't give up even though you know you're probably going to have to fight the same stupid, senseless, irrational fight every day of your life--

Then you are brave.

And you deserve every break you can get.  

Meds aren't a band-aid.  They're your frelling sword.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Such As

I went upstairs, gripping the rail, shaking a bit because I hadn't been out of bed in twenty-four hours and somehow that ten-day hospital stay seems to have siphoned off all the hard-earned hiking muscle in my legs.

I'd slept all day, almost right through the feast of my favourite saint, and missed taking my meds which doesn't help with the shaking, and watched far, far too many episodes of my current medical drama on Netflix because my brain and body were refusing to do much else.  I felt pathetic and cynical and everything was stupid.  So stupid.

My Dad was showing my three youngest siblings, grouped around the kitchen for a pre-bedtime snack-and-kitten-cuddling-session, a video on his phone.  A calm voice discussed the different theories on when human life begins (at conception? with the heartbeat? at birth?) and science's findings on each, relative to the abortion debate.  The video ended, and everyone had thoughts and opinions and ideas about what the voice had said.  Somehow that led into a discussion of evolution vs. creationism, literal vs. metaphorical interpretations of the Bible, and what Church council was it that determined the canon of scripture?  Neither my Dad nor I could remember.  Everybody was teaching and learning from each other, and these kids are only nine and twelve and fifteen, but they're thinking about the Big Questions every day, asking about the meaning of life before bed over kittens and mango ice cream, and dear God I'm just in awe but I hope I can be half as amazing a parent as my parents are, if I get the chance, that I can teach my kids to think about life before bed.

Everyone went up to brush their teeth, and my fifteen-year-old brother (in his too-small pyjamas riding halfway to the knee) cornered me on the stairs to confide that today he had finally paid off all his debt, but now he was broke.

"Yes," he said with that innocent, otherworldly smile far too big for his face, tugging at his pyjama cuff.  "I had this huge thirty-dollar debt to Mom, but I finally paid it off today and I'm so relieved."

I told him good for him, and confessed that I owe a lot more than thirty dollars--wishing (privately) that I could spare a few for his happy broke self.

"Oh, that's okay," he said.  "Money is kind of worthless.  When I'm grown-up, as long as I have enough money to eat, I don't think I really need any more than that.  I think it's good not to have too much money."

He went off to bed, and left me thinking.

Isn't everything like that?  Money, possessions, energy, health, mango ice cream and hiking muscles.  As long as you have enough to get by, now, in this moment, this space, this point where time meets eternity, does all the rest matter?

I went on a two-month hiking pilgrimage once, with no money, just my toothbrush and dulcimer and a pair of black socks.  The point was to do without.  But there are bigger things to learn to do without than cash.  Maybe, for me right now, independence is one of them.

Maybe right now, my pilgrimage is a shaky one up the stairs to the kitchen, gripping the rail.

Maybe my shrine is kittens and ice cream and a bunch of Big Questions with my little brothers and sister before bed.

Maybe they're my saints, these funny little people with their small pyjamas and their big thoughts.

I love you, little saints.  Keep thinking.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Getting Better

It started three months ago, in April.

I (foolishly, it transpires) went on a road trip to Ontario for a friend's wedding.  It was a great trip, if a little taxing, and I felt really proud of myself for getting through it with equanimity and only one or two major panic attacks.  I was tired, I was anxious, but I managed, and it was the biggest thing I'd been able to handle in a couple of years, so yes, I felt pretty good about myself.

Two days after I got back, my Gramma died.  The week after that, my sister got married, and the week after that, I starred in two separate plays on two separate nights in the same theatre festival.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, my body abruptly decided it had had enough with this whole functioning properly business, and I got sick.  My throat and head throbbed to the point that I couldn't get out of bed.  My Mom stopped by with ginger ale and eventually dragged me to the doctor, who diagnosed strep and prescribed antibiotics.  I got better just in time to be a bridesmaid, though my sister's wedding pictures show me with fever blisters around my mouth, too big and painful to hide with makeup.

May was miserable.  I was too exhausted to fix meals for myself.  Depression resurfaced with a vengeance, I stopped being able to keep up with my job, only left my flat when my boyfriend persuaded me out on a walk around town, and only washed my hair when it reeked.

Finally, in June, for about a week, I started to feel better.

Then things really fell apart.

When my throat randomly swelled up again to the point that the doctor at the walk-in clinic couldn't see down it to tell what was wrong, I got sent to the hospital.  Strep again?  Mono?  They settled on mono but medicated me for both, hydrated me by IV (I couldn't swallow), prescribed steroids to reduce the swelling, and sent me home the next morning.  My doctor warned me to cancel plans for a while.  Foolishly (again), I decided I could still manage the BC provincial theatre festival two weeks later. I was wrong, and ended up in hospital in Kamloops for ten days.  Apparently the antibiotics they had prescribed for strep can wreck your intestinal flora and give you colitis.  Oops.

So now I'm on more antibiotics, stronger ones, and because I've got to seriously rest for a good long while in order to get better, which means no work, which means no money, I'm going to be living at my parents' house for a few months, and giving up my flat.

I've been trying to be chill about the whole thing.  To be happy, to be content.  It is what it is, everything works together for good, que sera sera, etc.  Tonight, though, I'm cranky, I can't sleep, I miss my bed, and I'm kind of royally irritated with God.

Because this wasn't my plan.  I don't want this.  I liked the little life I'd been building up for myself over the shops in the bustling metropolis of Duncan, with my cat.  I'm not ready to give it up.  And I had a lot planned for this summer--working, directing, acting, hiking--; I don't want to be sitting in bed in my parents' spare room at four in the morning writing stupid, bitchy blog posts about the state of my guts.


I should be grateful that things aren't worse, I know.  That I have a family to move in with, that I live in Canada where my medical bills are covered, that I managed to avoid the threat of surgery, that morphine is a thing that exists.  There is so much to be grateful for, and most of the time, I can keep that in mind.

Not this minute, though.

It's funny how feeling wretched exposes your weaknesses.  Crankiness, impatience, sloth, ingratitude, have been rearing their ugly heads since I left the hospital.  I feel like Oscar the Grouch, but less green and more pimply, with a spare bed instead of a garbage can.

I guess I have some more growing to do.  Maybe I'd done all I could in the flat over the shops, and had to have things change in order to keep becoming the person I'm meant to become--to get better, not just physically but in all ways.

At least, I really really hope so, because I don't want it to be for no reason.  Please, God, don't let all this be for no reason.

Help me get better.